As a rule of thumb, you probably shouldn't take random pills you see around the house, especially if you’re about to head to the airport. But being the adventurer I am, I decided to take an unmarked capsule while cleaning my living room.
Now, my roommate can be best described as a modern day witch. In addition to lighting incense and having a myriad of hanging plants that mysteriously thrive without sunlight in our Brooklyn apartment, she takes numerous immunity boosters and health supplements. I figured this capsule contained something like, an eye of newt extract that would make my skin softer than a baby’s bottom.
But no, it wasn’t some magical elixir; it turned out to be 10 mg of THC.
Immediately after checking in at the airport, I turned to my boyfriend Ryan and told him I could eat a horse in its entirety. I then proceeded to explain that while I know the meat wouldn’t be tender, since stallions are all muscles, if I you add garlic, butter, and salt to horse meat, I bet it would taste divine.
I’m usually saying weird shit, so this isn’t that out of character for me, but he did look at me puzzled, before replying, “Bitch, I’m hungry too. Let’s get some food.”
Then I started laughing like a diabolical Disney villain. I don’t even remember what I was laughing at. I told Ryan I felt high, and he said, “Yeah, you’re acting like it. Your eyes are also dilated as fuck.” But no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t figure out why I would be high. I started Googling belated THC effects, but nothing came up. We decided to chalk it up to the excitement of heading to Chicago for Market Days (a huge queer festival which I highly recommend).
Then, after boarding the plane and settling down, my boyfriend turned to me and said point-blank, “Bill Clinton is on this plane. We made eye contact, and he did one of those white guy acknowledgement nods.”
I gay screamed.
“You’re screwing with me, right?” He said he wasn’t, but I kept asking. “You just know that I’m feeling weird, so you’re messing with me. You can’t do this right now.”
I then spent the next five minutes protesting that he did not actually see Bill Clinton. Besides, I had trouble believing Clinton flies commercial.
“The Clintons are independently wealthy, even if the government no longer pays for a private jet,” I mansplained to Ryan. But then, being high, and letting my mind go where it may, I wondered if Bill actually were on the plane, if it had something to do with Epstein, since the Clintons are potentially implicated, and this was two days before Jeffrey Epstein was found dead.
(That led me down a troubling, conspiracy theory route that is outside the scope of this piece, but definitely email me if you want to talk about it because I have THOUGHTS.)
Now despite my insistence, Ryan kept his ground, making the valid claim: If I caught a glimpse of Bill, myself, I would recognize one of the most iconic men of all time. Then he told me to look towards the front of the aircraft. It was clear there were secret service men in the seats right behind first class. They were maybe four of five of them, and they were all wearing suits and clear earpieces. That’s when I lost my goddamn mind.
“Is he still fine?” I asked.
“Oh, 100 percent,” Ryan replied.
“You trying to get in the mile-high club with Bill right now?”
“I’m popping this bussy, so he can GET it,” my boyfriend replied very seriously.
So we created the Bill dance. “Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill,” we chanted while pointing our fingers in, out, then up and down.
I started texting all my friends, including my witchy roommate, letting them know the great saxophonist was on the plane. That’s when Ryan and I said at the same time, “That pill.”
I texted my my roommate to ask what was in it, and she explained, “Oh shit, those THC capsules are strong.”
Finally, it all made sense.
I decided I needed to see Bill firsthand — sneak past the secret service and feast my eyes on his handsome face.
So midway through the flight, I noticed that both the flight attendants were behind me with the drink carts. I recognized that was my chance, so I booked it to the first class bathroom to go pee. I didn’t see anyone on the way in, but didn’t want to diddle-daddle since I wasn’t supposed to be in first class anyhow. On the way out, there he was, the white-haired wonder, and who was next to him in the window seat? None other than (the rightful 45th president of the United States) Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
My eyes got so wide as I stared at them, which, to be clear, would have been my response regardless of whether or not I was high out of my mind. Eventually the secret service waved me along after a solid five seconds of gawking with my mouth on the floor.
After hyperventilating at my seat for a solid four minutes, I got to thinking, would Hill and Bill (who really should have the celebrity couple portmanteau “HillBilly”) approve of my THC consumption? Would they support me on my journey to have the most hilarious flight from JFK to ORD ever?
I didn't get to ask them, so let’s go ahead and answer this question together.
Nearly three decades ago, Bill said in his presidential campaign, “I’ve never broken a state law, but when I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale it, and never tried it again.”
While I, too, told my mom I “didn’t inhale,” Clinton was actually not supportive of cannabis use during his time as president. In fact “not supportive” is actually a gross understatement — he had a horrendous track record on all things drug policy during his two terms.
In the 90s, his administration reacted forcefully to the legalization of medical marijuana in California and other states. With the push from his drug czar, Barry McCaffrey, the Clinton administration attempted to punish doctors who simply discussed medical marijuana with their patients by taking away their licenses to prescribe other drugs. (Thank God this was shut down quickly in courts, since it violates First Amendment rights.)
While he was leaving office, Bill did tell Rolling Stone, “Most small amounts of marijuana have been decriminalized in some places, and [it] should be.” Alright, that’s kind of annoying to say on your way out the door when you were very gung-ho on perpetuating the War on Drugs for the past eight years — but we’ll take it, begrudgingly, as he did make progress on his views going forward.
Roughly 15 years following his presidency, Clinton said in a Meet the Press interview, “I think we should leave [cannabis legalization] to the states. If the state wants to try it, they can. And then they’ll be able to see what happens.”
He then suggested that there needs to be more research on cannabis. “This really is a time when there should be laboratories of democracy, because nobody really knows where this is going. Are there adequate quality controls? There’s pot and there’s ‘pot’; what’s in it? What’s going to happen? There are all these questions.”
What is this second ‘pot’ of which you mention, Mr. President? I feel like that’s that good shit.
As for Hill who according to popular vote should have unequivocally been the current president of the United States? She, too, has seemingly had a change of heart over the years. I mean, let’s be real, I have no idea what she would have done if she was sworn into office, but I am going to speculate that she would have been down for marijuana law reform, maybe.
I don’t want to write a thesis on Hilldog’s previous stance on cannabis, so I’ll hit the key points. In the past, her stance has sucked, but then again she also was against same-sex marriage and eventually came around to support that. (While great, my mom now keeps asking me when I’m going to get married — which is something I do not support.)
First off, let us not forget that she was the president of the Wellesley Young Republicans her freshman year of college, during the time when hippies were flower powering at Woodstock. She wasn’t pro cannabis then. Never touched it in college, she says.
In 1995, she wrote in her book It Takes a Village: “Casual attitudes towards marijuana and minors’ access to cigarettes raise the likelihood that teenagers will make the sad progression to more serious drugs and earlier sexual activity.
The “gateway drug” hypothesis has been disproven time and time again, but I do like that she brought up earlier sexual activity. I will say cannabis is a gateway to great sex, but early sex? No. High school stoners are many things, but they’re not the cool kids having sex. Those kids are usually called jocks.
Then in 1996, she went ahead and said something which I think she really regrets. She coined the term, “super-predators,” not in response Harvey Weinstein, but in response to literal “kids.” Of course, this fueled crime legislation and some of the messed up drug laws, which contributed to America’s racist mass incarceration complex.
Alright, now skip forward a decade to when she (first) started running for president.
During the 2007 Democratic Primary Debate at Howard University, Hillary Clinton said something which starts to finally show an evolution in her thinking. “We need diversion, like drug courts. Non-violent offenders should not be serving hard time in our prisons,” she said. “Ultimately, we need an attorney general and a system of justice that truly does treat people equally, and that has not happened under this administration.”
YASS! We stan growth! We love a queen who changes with the times. This, to my knowledge, was the first time we saw a glimpse of Clinton’s new take on drug policy, one that acknowledged that it’s goddamn ridiculous that low-level, non-violent offenders get treated the same as violent, heavy-duty criminals.
While she was seemingly on the right track, later that same year, she said, “I don’t think we should decriminalize [cannabis]. But we ought to do research [into] what, if any benefits it has.”
Ah, the old “We need more research” scapegoat. It’s an easy copout that politicians love to give. The results are in: Cannabis is fine for adults. The research is also in that tobacco and alcohol is absolutely terrible for you, yet we’re allowed to go buck wild with all that good stuff, so what’s the tea, sis? Why you not pro federal legalization?
What we really should be researching are new antibiotics. Because if that antibiotic-resistant strain of gonorrhea hops over the border from Canada to the United States, I just know I’m going to be the first American to get it. But I digress.
While running for President this past time, HRC got in a heated debate with Jimmy Kimmel about legalizing the plant federally. In a March 2016 interview she told Kimmel:
“Look, I think what the states are doing right now needs to be supported, and I absolutely support all the states that are moving toward medical marijuana, moving toward absolutely legalizing it for recreational use, but I want to see what the states learn from that experience, because there are still a lot of questions that we have to answer at a federal level. What I’d like to do is take it off of Schedule I and put it on a lower schedule so we can actually do some research about it.”
Alright, not bad. I mean she didn’t hit the ball out of the park with that one, but I’d say she whacked a solid single. Fine, maybe not a solid single, but like a bunt where the third baseman bobbled it, but the umpires are not counting it as an error.
Okay, finally! Now that we have all the necessary facts we can return to our original question. Do we think HillBilly would have minded that I had ingested THC and was dancing to their names in coach?
Truthfully, I have no idea, but what I can say for certain was that Bill was doing a NYT crossword puzzle and Hillary was asleep against the window with multiple blankets. When I asked the flight attendant if I could have a blanket, they said they didn’t carry any on board.